Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
