Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
