two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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