Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
lol hangovers are for mortals.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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