My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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