OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
