cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
