I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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