no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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