Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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