My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
