How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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