Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
