oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
