Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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