i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
