Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
