I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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