No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
