I have demons in me.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I will pee on everything he values.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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