No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
