please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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