That's intense
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
