happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
