So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
