you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
