my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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