He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
