Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
