He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
