Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
