he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
