God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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