I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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