just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
