He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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