smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
