she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
