Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
