you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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