I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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