his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
