the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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