i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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