My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
