dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
