I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
