I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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