sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
