Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize