I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
