Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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