It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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