I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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