my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
