i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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