if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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